Rambling - Grief is a luxury enjoyed by the unoccupied.

In one of the many late night discussions with my eccentric cousin, Farah, she came up with a theory, that grief is a luxury enjoyed only by the free. At that point of time I was arguably the most free person on earth (and also the saddest!) . I believe being free is more a state of mind than a state that bows to the physicality of time. If you actually want to do something, you get the time to do it, come what may.

Around seven months after that discussion, her words make complete sense to me. There is stuff that I want to be sad about, I should be angry about. But, I don’t feel anything about it. There’s a friend of mine, Prerna , who thinks I am always happy. That is not true, it’s just that I am not sad about anything. Though, I would like to feel sad one day; may be it will make me feel more alive or something.

 I avoid everybody who I am actually attached to; like my mum . She thinks talking to me has now become more difficult than talking to the Prime Minister. Or my sister , who believes I will end up lonely like Rekha or Parveen Babi ; as I am a commitment phobic and the guys I am attracted to, are just good looking faces fixed on 6 feet tall torsos . I don’t know them . I am sure they don’t know me either. I don’t want to know them because there’s no point in it. I dream about my cat every night. Yes, every night. Shouldn’t I be dreaming about pretty landscapes and romantic rendezvous at this age ?

 The truth is that I am not that busy, I am not free either. But, when u are a part of a college like Xavier Institute of Communications, you can have anything but time. I just don’t have the time for emotions. I know it sounds so weird. But, it’s true. Funny thing is that I am happy. And it’s not shallow happiness. I am actually happy, or at least I think so.