How to recognise an Asexual Commitment Phobic

Heterosexual , homosexual and bisexual. We all know who these are. But there are a different kind of species too- the asexuals. Asexuals are super sexy people who just don't find sex sexy enough. Add to this being a commitment phobic; which doesn't necessarily mean that an asexual is a philanderer. Commitment phobic people don't avoid commitment because they think "oh my god! I won't get to flirt with hot girls/guys anymore"! OK, In certain cases they might think so. Commitment phobic people avoid commitment because they don't wanna get ditched, get hurt or go through all that devdasgiri that lovers go through.

I am an asexual commitment phobic. I find the idea of physical proximity uninteresting. I don't think I am ugly. I am not insecure. I am more confident about myself and my body than most people I know. Yet getting close is just plain boring. For some time, I believed I might be gay, but then even girls didn't turn me on.  I thought I was the only one of this kind until I read about Franz Kafka. That just means super awesome people are like this! I don't know what exactly went on in Kafka's life and mind. See, he died much before I was born. I never got a chance to interview him with all the great interviewing techniques that I am taught at college everyday.

How to recognize an Asexual Commitment Phobic  (ACP)- Best way to spot such people are through their conversations - So here's a sample -

Friend - So , who are you dating now ?
ACP - ummmmmmmmm, well....... , a lot of people!! 
Prospective lover - So , can we kiss ?
ACP - ha ha ha! (artificial laugh) ! Yeah sure! (changes the topic)
Prospective lover -  I will miss you . 
ACP - ha hah ha ! Why will you ? (says bye)
Super serious prospective lover -   I want to marry you . 
ACP -   haha haha haha haha haha haha 
Super serious prospective love -   Don't laugh ! 
ACP -  Can we talk later? (still finds the concept hilarious) 

So if you come across such a person, don't dismiss her or him as being a flirt who clings to his/ her freedom. These people just fake it. And sometimes, to extremes. Who wants to get hurt anyway! 

Rambling - Grief is a luxury enjoyed by the unoccupied.

In one of the many late night discussions with my eccentric cousin, Farah, she came up with a theory, that grief is a luxury enjoyed only by the free. At that point of time I was arguably the most free person on earth (and also the saddest!) . I believe being free is more a state of mind than a state that bows to the physicality of time. If you actually want to do something, you get the time to do it, come what may.

Around seven months after that discussion, her words make complete sense to me. There is stuff that I want to be sad about, I should be angry about. But, I don’t feel anything about it. There’s a friend of mine, Prerna , who thinks I am always happy. That is not true, it’s just that I am not sad about anything. Though, I would like to feel sad one day; may be it will make me feel more alive or something.

 I avoid everybody who I am actually attached to; like my mum . She thinks talking to me has now become more difficult than talking to the Prime Minister. Or my sister , who believes I will end up lonely like Rekha or Parveen Babi ; as I am a commitment phobic and the guys I am attracted to, are just good looking faces fixed on 6 feet tall torsos . I don’t know them . I am sure they don’t know me either. I don’t want to know them because there’s no point in it. I dream about my cat every night. Yes, every night. Shouldn’t I be dreaming about pretty landscapes and romantic rendezvous at this age ?

 The truth is that I am not that busy, I am not free either. But, when u are a part of a college like Xavier Institute of Communications, you can have anything but time. I just don’t have the time for emotions. I know it sounds so weird. But, it’s true. Funny thing is that I am happy. And it’s not shallow happiness. I am actually happy, or at least I think so.